Okay, I got this from Dean Hawk who pastors in Colorado Springs and who produces the Youth Ministry Curriculum we use. These are actual "gripe" reports submitted by Quantas pilots after a flight and the responses of the mechanics to the pilots requests for repairs: The Pilots request is marked with a "P" and the solution provided by the mechanics is marked with an "S"
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re for.P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.And the best one for last…
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.